Well, Lucy took the plunge, so here goes...
I'm pouring out my heart here...
Not looking for advice. What am I looking for?...
friends
God's Word spoken in love
prayer
a positive word
Any or all of the above would be nice.
I need to type out what I am going through but address it to God. If I think I'm typing it to God, I will be more honest and real than if I type whilst thinking you are reading this.
God.
I am so lonely. Ouch. Deep pain from deep inside, rising up as I type this.
I am missing girlfriends.
I mean, I used to have so many.
What happened? Why, for the past ten or so years, have I had no close girlfriends.
I miss having girlfriends God. I know I've moved, they've moved, and all my old friends are spread out across the province. But why can't I find any new ones? Ten years God, ten years without a girlfriend to call up and chat with, make plans with, pop over and visit, go shopping with.
That is a long time for a girl to be lonely for a friend God.
What is wrong with me that I can't seem to find any?
Is there something wrong with me?
I mean, I used to have a ton of friends, and since then I thought I grew up more, and learned how to be a better friend than I used to be. I think I'd make a much nicer and better friend now, than when I had lots of friends, and yet I have none to speak of.
God I am grateful for the internet friends, don't get me wrong. I do love the girls I have met online. But it doesn't satisfy my need to look into a sister's eyes and see them fill with tears over some emotional moment we share together. It just isn't the same as falling into each other's supportive embrace when things are tough. It just doesn't cut it when I want to hear her voice and feel her hand on my shoulder when she prays for me.
Oh God, I am lonely for a girlfriend.
And yet, you have heard this so many times from me, I wonder if it even matters that I express it yet again. Does it matter to you God? Should I bother to let the tears fall over this? What good will it do? It hasn't done any good after ten years, so why should I bother?
You know, all this loneliness can make a girl think bad thoughts about herself. I think that is what has happened. I must be very crippled, socially and emotionally, and every potential girlfriend knows that, or senses something wrong in me, and so they back away before any relationship forms. Is that what happens God? Is that what is happening? Am I a leach? A needy insecure leach with low self esteem that people are just turned off of me?
I don't think that is true. I can't be more of a leach now than I was ten years ago. I think I've grown up so much since then. And I lean much more heavily on You God, more than I ever did before. So much so, that this loneliness for a girlfriend does not consume me. It might have consumed me twenty years ago, but it doesn't now. But it is there, aching, just under the surface.
I don't know why I am even typing this to you God. I feel kind of hopeless. Like it will never change. Like this is it. All my past friendships are wonderful memories, but that's it for me. I won't have any new ones.
What is true God?
What is true here?
What are the reasons I can't make any new friends, and should I have any hope? Should I bother to hope?
Please talk to me about this.
Please just talk to me.