I don't know why but I feel very sad. I spent some time listening to the Lord today, or soaking and reading the Word. I have been praying, and listening to uplifting Christian music. But somewhere along the way, my heart began to feel this really heavy sad feeling. Much like mourning.
I don't know why this happens to me. I don't know what causes it. I don't understand it. I don't know how to handle it, if I should take up my authority over it? Tell it to go? Or welcome it, go with it and just keep telling God about it.
I have heard people say this is a spirit of intercession. I have heard others say this is God showing you an old pain that needs healing and He is bringing it to the surface. I have heard others say it is a demon oppressing my emotions.
It is enough to make my head spin.
What does my Father say. He knows. And He is the only one who does.
I think sometimes I really know we don't need to do anything to please God, because Jesus fully pleased Him, and if we are in Christ, He is fully pleased with us...
But then I catch myself saying something to someone...
Like the other day I said to a Christian sister, "I don't know what God wants from me."
She responded with, "many people think that God wants something from them. He doesn't. Singularly, He wants a relationship to be able to express His love, because He needs to be able to do that. That's pretty much it."
Her response is exactly what I would have said to someone else, if they had been the one telling me their confusion over what God wants from them. It's like I know it, know the words to say, I know the correct response. But my heart, that is a different story. It is still afraid, still not fully trusting. Still wrestling with these fears that I don't please Him, that I am missing something, that I haven't fully surrendered, on and on...
I hear Him speak to me every day. But still I wrestle and feel fear. I am so tired of carrying the fear. And now the sorrow too. That lands on me sometimes and doesn't go away. What is that? Why is it there? What is going on?
Sometimes I think I suffer under mental illness. But then I see people who really do and think no, I am just struggling. The devil is telling me that lie.
But I still wonder...
I seem to have so many issues.
My hubby calls me a "fragile soul". He tells me all the time that he loves that about me, and he is so tender with me, just like Jesus would be. I really melt into that love.
Why is it so hard to figure this all out.
I feel so lost, and yet I hear the Lord say His arms are around me always. And He tells me every day He never leaves me. So why don't my emotions line up with this truth?
Struggling, wrestling, wondering, crying and reaching. That is me right now.